Advice from a divorce lawyer before your wedding day

As a divorce lawyer, one of the things that Joanna Farrands, a family lawyer and partner at Moore Barlow, helps couples soon to be married with is a prenuptial agreement. Here, she shares her advice... 

"These are increasingly common and popular as a way of considering your finances and future ahead of the wedding. Now, these can sometimes have a bad reputation. Some people dismiss them as they aren't the most romantic gesture, but in reality, a prenuptial agreement with your partner is a sensible, practical thing, and the conversations you have when going through it can make your relationship even stronger.

What is a prenuptial agreement?
A prenup is essentially a legal document that a couple agrees on before they marry to outline how their assets will be split in the event that the marriage ends. It's important to note that at the start of every prenup, we include a paragraph that says that the couple intends to have a long and happy marriage but that they believe it's sensible to discuss their finances now. They are here to set you up for success, not failure.

Sometimes, a person's family may want them to have a prenuptial agreement as there's wealth in the family. Other times, a person may come to me wanting one to protect their business and wealth, or sometimes both people want a prenuptial agreement because it may be their second or third marriage and they have assets they want to keep separate. A prenup must still meet the needs of your partner. This is a very elastic concept in family law, but essentially, it's assessed by looking at many different factors, such as the need for housing or even such things as support in education if one party has been out of work and needs to re-educate themselves to find a new job.

However, it can help you to protect your wealth and any inheritance that you may come into. If you don't have one, the starting point for division in the main is the assets are split 50/50, and if you have, for example, invested in a property with your personal funds or invested more of your inheritance into it, you may have to share it equally.

Why should I consider a prenuptial agreement before my wedding?
If you can sit down before the wedding and talk seriously about your finances, what concerns you, and what your hopes are for the future, that will provide a great foundation for your marriage. As part of prenup talks, I always ask a couple if they are planning to have children, sometimes this is a conversation they haven't yet had. I've lost count of how many divorces I've assisted with because later down the road, one person wants to start a family and the other doesn't and it wasn't a topic they discussed at the time. If you don't have these conversations and you don't agree later down the line, you either compromise and end up unhappy, or it can be cause for a break up.

What do I need to do if I want a pre nup?
If you or your partner would like to have a prenuptial agreement, it's really important to do this in advance of your wedding day because one of the requirements to make the agreement as binding as possible is that it's signed at least 28 days before the wedding. My advice is to speak to a lawyer at least six months beforehand. This gives you time to iron out what you both want and to agree on what's important . There are many ways to address a prenuptial agreement. To proceed with a prenuptial agreement, you both need independent legal advice, and often, a lawyer will recommend who your partner can work with.

Can we use a mediator for our prenuptial agreement?
You could also use a mediator, as a neutral third party to assist and guide your negotiations on the terms of the prenup. However, you may, if your prenuptial agreement is not complex, have discussed and agreed the terms already with your partner and just need a solicitor to draft it, and your partner can secure their independent legal advice by way of review. However, usually where there is wealth to protect, there are more complexities and if you're struggling to agree, mediation is one way to assist you reaching agreement.

Another way they can be done is through collaborative law, with you working together in four-way meetings with you, your partner, your lawyer and their lawyer. In this scenario, you can all discuss and negotiate in the room the terms of a prenuptial agreement in an amicable way. This is quite a successful way to resolve things quickly and is a popular approach. I have helped plenty of couples with prenuptial agreements, and then I've never seen them again because they are very happily married. But for those I do see again because they decide to divorce, it's worth noting that in most cases the prenup they had in place saved many couples significant additional emotional turmoil and cost because they already agreed on how their assets should be split.

Jan Galloway, Divorce Coach, Coaching for Clarity.UK, says: "My advice to couples getting married is, first and foremost, to have open and honest communication. That will not only help to manage the potentially tricky discussions around the requirement for a prenup but is a vital part of a long and enduring marriage. Many clients have sought my assistance to help them manage difficult conversations with their partners and to work on how they actually make themselves heard, stating that the relationship broke down because they could no longer communicate.

Also, do talk about your respective values and what you aspire to in life. Shared values are the cornerstone of a strong relationship and will help you build that bond, enabling you to face all that a life together or as a family brings. I also tell clients to keep your identity. Although coming together as a couple is very important, being loyal to who you are is also important to allow you to individually flourish in your marriage. Be tolerant of each other's differences as that is what makes you each unique and no doubt was part of the attraction in the first place!

Finally, approach marriage with a sense of humour. Laughter is not only an aphrodisiac but also useful for relieving stressful times. As they say, couples who can laugh together in moments of adversity stay together!"